The root of all evil

For those of you who follow Ol’ Dutch and Miss Trixie on their weekly adventures, you know there is never a dull moment. And just like the character Roseanne Roseannadanna, who was played by the great Gilda Radner, used to say, “it's always something.”

And this past week did not disappoint although the stress did get to Ol’ Dutch more than usual as it involved money. And most importantly His money.

I don't think there is anything that stresses me out more than dealing with money whether it be an abundance or lack thereof and this past week dealing with a Credit Union sent me off into orbit.I was so high I probably could have seen John Glenn circling the earth had I stopped long enough to look out the window.

It all started so innocently enough when Ol’ Dutch found himself with a little bit of extra mammon to invest. And interest rates being what they are, I had perused the Internet until the keys on the computer wore out but finally found a 6.1% interest rate at a local credit union. Now it's been a long, long time since I had been in one of these financial institutions as I normally use a bank for all transactions but I thought how hard can it be to just get a CD.

So off I went and soon I was embroiled in a process and I found out it can be about four-hours-hard which should have been my first clue that something was about to go awry.Finally dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s I escaped from there albeit without a free toaster for opening a new account. But nonetheless I felt pretty good about getting a high rate of return. That is until I got home and Miss Trixie checked the account for me.And it's a good thing she did as I soon was made aware that by the time I drove home the Credit Union had reduced the interest from 6.1 to 4.79%.

I soon found out that there was no way to actually call the branch which raised my blood pressure a notch or two. But what they did not know is that there is one thing that you never do to Ol’ Dutch and that is come between him and his money. I do love it and I know that is a sin but I pray a lot and ask forgiveness so all is good on the eternal life part of me anyway.

But any who, the next morning found me back at the credit union and sans a mandatory appointment, I walked into the offices of the fearless leader there unannounced. Miss Trixie had tagged along with me so that I didn't blow a proverbial gasket at the poor little Dominican Republic girl who had found herself in over her head.

Finally she got a manager and he tried to explain that the extra interest was still under approval and was now going to be 5.98%. It appears to me that these folks who deal only with money and only with numbers could not even run a calculator.

There is a story about the Kirkpatrick clan that says they were riding with Robert Bruce the future King of Scotland and he had stabbed a man in a saloon. The Kirkpatricks went back and “made sure” the man was dead. Hence the “I Make Sure” on our family crest. So when they asked what I wanted to do I motioned with historical accuracy and finality by drawing my finger across my throat. I was done with that place.

This caused a mad mass confusion as they had to figure out how to cancel a year long CD and get my money back but two hours later I left, check in hand and found a real bank with working calculators and a matching rate.

Now I know that all credit unions are probably not like this branch as some of them are sure to have calculators this late in civilized history and a few may actually have bank officers with more than a month’s experience but if this had been the Lottery, Ol’ Dutch hit all those numbers on his first try out of the bank box.

Thinking this was a portent of good luck to come, I did buy the big Lottery ticket but alas, didn't win the billions. Looks like therefore I will be writing this column again next week as I cannot afford to bug out.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at