My pig bit me

It is that time of year again when Spring comes rushing into the Southern United States with a passion and leaves a person never knowing if you will need the furnace or the air conditioning on any given day. And having been down in those parts some ten or more years in a row, Ol’ Dutch knows that hot summer weather will find us faster than crap through the proverbial goose.

Plans as of now are for me and Miss Trixie to be far from these climes come hot weather and be basking in the mountainous regions of Colorful Colorado on our summer and fall sojourns. But for now, at least, here we are watching the seasons change once again and all that entails such as the cows calving, trees leafing out, gardens being planted and last but not least all the crazies coming out of the woodwork.

And nowhere is there a better place to see what warmer weather elicits than on the local crime reporting page. This is a Facebook page dedicated to letting all the locals know just what is going on minute by minute in the world of crime. Now you would think that would wax towards boring after a while but the introduction of such things as meth, fentanyl, marijuana, and other narcotics has added a new dimension to just what people will do.

In the past year we have had a husband on the roof being held hostage there by his wife who wielded a rake for instance. You cannot make that kind of thing up nor can you get that kind of entertainment for any dollars at least where Ol’ Dutch hangs out.

Just last week it was reported that a wife came home to what was probably the dishes not done and proceeded to tear the house completely apart. Dishes were thrown, walls bashed in, furniture broken, and clothes tossed out the front door. And that was just the preview to the main show I heard.

High speed chases are now a daily occurrence on the Interstate and most of these involve stolen automobiles of some flavor. There is a new sheriff in town here locally however and he is all business and so kept busy with apprehensions, jailing and of course, bonding out of said criminals so that he can catch them again. I find that to kind of be like catch and release fishing as if you let the fish go you catch, then you can catch them again another day. It is a job security program of sorts and many of the offenders are on their 4th or 5th capture and release.

Ol’ Dutch does appreciate the Facebook page as it keeps us all informed of all the crazy things going on. Why just the other day there was a report of a man in a tree who would not come down. Rescue units were rushed to the scene for some reason, and I guess they never saw Andy Griffith, or they would know that if you leave a cat stuck in a tree alone, he will finally find his way down on his own.

There are more and more psychotic incidents occurring and each time one is reported Ol’ Dutch has to stop and check his own location to make sure it is not me. With all the things going on in the world today there are times I feel like I am going a tad crazy myself. But so far, I have not been picked up or helped and Miss Trixie says she is amazed at that fact.

Of course, some incidents do stand out among the many and yesterday was about the best I have heard. There was a flash alert on the page about a man being bitten by a pig and needing emergency response teams.

Now I do not know how that is even possible or why the pig bit the guy unless he saw him eating his bacon in the morning and decided to take revenge for poor cousin Porky’s death. But regardless of the reason the man suffered a bite which then elicited dozens of responses of well-meaning locals about said bite. We learned for instance that 5 pigs can consume a 200-pound human body in 15 minutes from one connoisseur of pigdom, that one woman's aunt lost her foot to a pig and another guy who got bitten by his pet pig when he hit said porcine with his cane.

Man, I love the internet and God bless Al Gore for inventing it. And with that I will close for this week as Miss Trixie has my bacon ready for breakfast.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV, or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at