There are times when, as a columnist, I am faced with the difficult decision of choosing between two equally important topics in order to meet my deadline. Then there are times like this when, thanks to years of experience and accidentally consuming a quadruple espresso meant for the person next to me at Starbucks, I realize both topics can be combined into a single, well-structured piece of journalism.
Which is why, today, we will be talking about how to prepare for holiday shopping with the help of Bigfoot.
As some of you may have heard, a hiker in Utah posted video of what appeared to be Bigfoot rummaging through the brush. In addition, some of you may have heard about Thanksgiving.
I don’t believe this is a coincidence.
Especially when you consider how, year after year, Thanksgiving is followed by Friday — a shopping day so enormously frightening it has become known as “Black Friday.”
Did I mention the Bigfoot spotted in Utah has black fur?
As you can see, the correlations are staggering.
(Note to writing students: This merging of seemingly unrelated topics at high speeds is extremely tricky requiring years of practice, and is a device referred to by journalists and railroad engineers as a “train wreck.”)
Now that we have established the irrefutable connection between Bigfoot and holiday shopping on Black Friday (I’m a journalist, so you can trust me when I say we have), I will now explain how, with a little preparation and an oversized SUV or cargo van, you can get all of your holiday shopping done this Friday with the help of Bigfoot.
The first step, of course, is to locate and enlist the help of a Bigfoot. This is actually easier than you might think. All you have to do is drive to a heavily wooded area and NOT look for one. This seems to be when most Bigfoot sightings occur, right when the hiker, anthropologist, logger, marijuana grower, Fox News reporter, etc., is least expecting it. This is why every video taken of Bigfoot looks like a deleted scene from The Blaire Witch project.
Once you have made contact, the next step is to convince Bigfoot to help with your holiday shopping. To do this, offer your help in obtaining something he wants for Mrs. Bigfoot but can’t find in the woods — such as an Epilady shaver.
Now that you have found Bigfoot and enlisted his help, it’s time to go SHOPPING! Given that Black Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year, with retailers opening before dawn and offering outrageous deals, such as 50 percent off any six-toed socks sold between 5:30 and 5:45 a.m., you’ll be glad you brought Bigfoot along to play “whack-a-mole” with anyone who gets in your way.
The same goes for sneaky sales people who try the old “bait-and-switch.”
For example: Let’s say the clerk insists that the item on sale for $10 is a cheese spreader, and not the 55-inch flat screen TV in your cart. Simply let Bigfoot do the negotiating by turning the clerk into his own custom “Snuggy.”
Now imagine the satisfaction of completing all of your holiday shopping in one day as you and Bigfoot breeze through the mall on matching Segways donated by mall security.
Needless to say, when it comes to Black Friday shopping, there are many advantages to enlisting the help of Bigfoot.
Plus, I’d suggest staying in touch; he also comes in handy when it comes time for gift returns.
Write to Ned Hickson at [email protected], or c/o Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St., Florence, Ore. 97439.